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COI Redux Sidestory - SOLDIERs Just Wanna Have Fun (FF7 post-AC AU) - Convolutions of an Evil Mind
COI Redux Sidestory - SOLDIERs Just Wanna Have Fun (FF7 post-AC AU)
Here's a song-ficlet inspired by a song by The Irish Rovers, called "Wasn't That a Party?".

It's been rewritten to fit with COI Redux, and with just a hint of seriousness at the end. ^_^

Title: SOLDIERs Just Wanna Have Fun
Author: MadamHydra
Beta: none, very rough draft
Fandom: FF7 AU (COI-redux-verse)
Type: song ficlet
Pairing/Characters: Sephiroth, Zack, misc Turks
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: ~2300
Warnings: mild crack
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII and all related prequels and sequels belong to Square-Enix.

Summary: Sephiroth has to cope with the aftermath of of a SOLDIERs promotion party. And it's all Zack's fault, of course....


-- "Conflicts of Interest Redux" is a MASSIVE rewrite of my old FF7 epic "Conflicts of Interest", which I started years before the "Compilation of Final Fantasy VII" existed.
-- The original game and Advent Children/Complete are canonic for this fic.
-- Before Crisis and Crisis Core are semi-canonic.
-- Various individual plot points from other components of the Compilation of Final Fantasy VII (e.g., games, OVAs, FFVII novellas and short stories, etc.) may show up.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin.
Could have been three or four six-packs,
I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in,
My head is like a football, I think I'm gonna die,
Tell me, me oh me oh my,
Wasn't that a party?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dressed not in his customary leathers, but rather his usual sleeping wear of black shorts and tanktop, Sephiroth stood in the entrance area of the SOLDIER quarters and surveyed the sorry sight before him. Normally, he was not one for stress-related tics and twitches, but on this occasion, he couldn't help tapping a bare foot on the polished floor in a slow, ominous rhythm.

Before him stood ten of Shinra's most promising SOLDIERs, a mixture of First and Second Classes. However, 'stood' was an overly generous term. It was more like they remained upright on their feet only by leaning on each other at rather precarious angles. At any second, Sephiroth fully anticipated watching the entire group come crashing to the ground in a heap because one of them leaned just a -little- bit too far in the wrong direction.

SOLDIERs did not get drunk on ordinary alcohol -- their enhanced metabolisms usually burned it off much too quickly. Getting inebriated took not only serious work, but considerable ingenuity in the selection of intoxicant. That being said, it was clear that the SOLDIERs in front of him had tackled this difficult task with the same efficiency and determination that they applied to their more professional duties.

In other words, they were completely and utterly zonked out of their minds.

What the HELL had these men been drinking to get them into this state? It couldn't possibly be legal. Sephiroth made a mental note to himself to find out what that substance was.

Just as a precautionary measure, of course.

He raked long sleep-mussed silvery hair away from his face, then glared at the First Class SOLDIER standing... no, -leaning- at the front and center of the group.

"Zack...," he growled dangerously.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Someone took a grapefruit and wore it like a hat,
I saw someone under my kitchen table, talking to my old tom cat,
They were talking about hockey and the cat was talkin' back,
Along about then everything went black,
But wasn't that a party?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Zack merely gave him an innocent grin. That was hardly unusual, but the slow side-to-side weeble was definitely atypical.

"Would one of you like to explain what happened in the chocobo stables?" Sephiroth said with exaggerated patience. "How about you, Fitz? Seeing as how you have chocobo feathers in your hair."

The tall, red-haired Fitz blinked owlishly, then said, "I was getting odds, sir."


Fitz hiccuped almost daintily before saying in an earnest voice, "Yes, sir. Betting odds. On the blitzball game between the Icicle Bandersnatches and the Corel Cokatolis."

"I see. You were asking Commander Escovar's prize breeding chocobo for blitzball odds."

"Yup. Gave me some nice ones," Fitz replied happily.

"And why did you let the chocobo out of its stall?"

"Because it asked me to," Fitz said, looking a bit surprised that the great General Sephiroth hadn't figured that obvious answer out for himself. "He wanted to visit this sweet chick over in the next stableblock...." Fitz began to make appreciative curvy gestures with his hands.

Sephiroth hastily held up a hand.

"Enough. I've got the picture."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm sure it's just my memory playin' tricks on me,
But I think I saw my buddy cuttin' down my neighbour's tree,
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sephiroth then turned to a short, stocky SOLDIER with dark buzzcut hair.

"And you, Dalmas. Would you care to explain why you hopped over an estate wall, snuck into the garden, and cut down all of Mrs. Palmer's prize topiary hedge with a dinner knife?"

"Uhhhh... it was a dare." Dalmas rolled his eyes in Zack's direction. "Did it in one hit, too."

"Did not!" Someone in the back of the group called out.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"You cheated! You used a steak knife instead of the butter knife!"

"Quiet! Kunsel," Sephiroth said, addressing the protester in the back of the swaying drunken huddle of SOLDIERs. "I'll deal with you later."

His threat turned out to be unnecessary as Kunsel's knees folded and he joined the growing pile of unconscious SOLDIERs on the hallway floor.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin.
Could have been three or four six-packs,
I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in,
My head is like a football, I think I'm gonna die,
Tell me, me oh me oh my,
Wasn't that a party?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sephiroth was perfectly aware of the reason for the drinking party, namely the hard-earned promotion of Zack's friend Matthias to First Class. But he should've known better than to expect that they would settle for a few nice, leisurely rounds of drinks at one of the bars that SOLDIERs tended to frequent.

Definitely should've known better, considering Zack's involvement....

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Old Billy Joe and Tommy, well they went a little far,
They were sitting in my backyard blowing on the siren in somebody's police car.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sephiroth massaged the bridge of his nose with his right hand, took another deep breath, and counted to ten before speaking.

"And in your haste to leave the Palmer estate, you 'borrowed' a police car and went on a little joyride with lights flashing and sirens blaring."

"The cops weren't using it," Matthias said in plaintive tones, "They were too busy sucking down coffee and donuts." He stopped, slowly tilted to the left, then slid bonelessly onto the floor, out cold.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
So you see, your honour,
It was all in fun,
That little bitty track meet down on main street,
Was just to see if the cops could run,
Well, they run us in to see you,
In an alcoholic haze,
I can sure use those thirty days to recover from the party.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sephiroth glared at the SOLDIERs who were still conscious... barely.

"Not content with that escapade, you then proceeded to relieve two Turks of their motorcycles, and had an impromptu drag race with said motorcycles and police car down the highway at speeds exceeding 120 miles per hour. At 2 AM in the morning. Am I correct?"

All he got from the SOLDIERs were sheepish, but thoroughly unrepentant grins.

Yes, totally bombed out of their skulls. And Zack....

Clearly there was no point talking to them any further, even though he hadn't even begun to scratch the surface of their transgressions, including such brilliant events like the rooftop hopping, the water balloon barrage, multiple counts of grand theft chocobo, and freehand paintball sniping, to name only a few.

He sighed, then glanced over at the five Turks standing just inside the door. Two of them looked rather annoyed, while Tseng was trying his best to look stern and impassive. However, he wasn't quite successful at hiding his amusement.

"I'll take the appropriate disciplinary action as soon as they're sober enough to appreciate it. Will that be satisfactory, Tseng?"

Both Sephiroth and Tseng knew that the situation could have turned out much, much worse, considering the number of potentially armed, materia-toting First and Second Class SOLDIERs involved. Fortunately, all the members of Zack's drinking party were very mellow drunks and hadn't raised any fuss when the understandably irate Turks had caught up with the party and 'escorted' them back to the SOLDIER quarters to face their commanding officer who had been rudely roused out of a sound and much desired sleep.

"Since there was no real harm done," Tseng glanced at the annoyed pair of Turks, "That will be adequate. I'll forward the damage reports to you."

"You do that."

Tseng nodded and led the Turks out of the SOLDIER quarters.

By this point, three more of the SOLDIERs had passed out and were snoring loudly on the floor, while the rest looked like they were soon about to join their buddies at any second.

Sephiroth considered just leaving them to sleep their binge off on the hard cold tiles, then changed his mind. He grabbed Zack by the arm and hustled him down the hallway toward Zack's room. Along the way, he ordered the SOLDIERs on night duty to cart their incapacitated colleagues back to their respective rooms.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin.
Could have been three or four six-packs,
I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in,
My head is like a football, I think I'm gonna die,
Tell me, me oh me oh my,
Wasn't that a party?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Upon reaching Zack's quarters, he hauled the younger man into the bedroom area and shoved him onto the bed. As Zack lay dazed and confused on the bedcovers, Sephiroth efficiently removed Zack's boots and stripped him down to his underwear.

"Hmmmm....?" Zack mumbled in vague curiosity.

"Shut up and go to sleep, you idiot."

No, there was no indulgent fondness in his voice. And no, he didn't -mean- to rumple Zack's hair after covering the younger man with a blanket. Seriously.

Zack obeyed, rolling over and burying his face in the pillows, then taking a deep breath that was immediately followed by a contented snore.

Sephiroth gazed down thoughtfully at the snoozing Zack. As First Classes, he, Angeal, and Genesis would, for amusement, sneak into the virtual simulation rooms and try to beat the hell out of each other. The three of them had enjoyed having fun together, but at the same time, they were always conscious of their dignity and position as Firsts.

But Zack was very different. He certainly had his pride, but Zack never allowed that pride to get in the way of doing what he felt was right, even if it meant looking foolish or getting deeply hurt.

Sephiroth now understood why Angeal had chosen to spend so much time and energy mentoring Zack -- not merely because the young man was the most talented and promising SOLDIER either of them had ever encountered, but in Zack, Angeal had probably sensed a kindred spirit. On top of that, Zack also exuded a special combination of strength, kindness, an innate sense of fairness, and most of all, a profound sort of sincerity which instinctively drew people and caused them to like and trust him.

Sephiroth had never fully grasped what the term 'great-hearted' meant, but after meeting Zack, he now believed he understood. "Great-hearted" described the younger man perfectly.

Genesis had hungered for recognition as a famous hero, because he craved the prestige and glory associated with the role. Sephiroth's own position as hero had always had much more to do with Shinra's PR department than any heroic intentions on his part. Angeal had possessed the heart of a hero, but in the end, had fallen prey to bitterness, self-loathing, and despair.

Now, standing in Zack's quarters and watching the younger SOLDIER curl up contentedly under the blanket, Sephiroth knew that if there was one person destined to become a hero for all the -right- reasons, it was Zack.

In the morning, he would find a suitably diabolical punishment for this playful drunken rampage. But until then....

"Sleep well, Zack."


The Full Disclaimer:

All names, likenesses, and rights of Final Fantasy VII, its characters, and associated works are trademarks, copyright, and property of Square-Enix. The characters and associated materials of these works are used WITHOUT permission for the purpose of entertainment only. The author of this work claims no ownership, part or whole, of the original plot and characters. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit.

All original portions of this work is considered to be the sole property and copyrighted to the author Madamhydra. No part of this work is to be reproduced, altered, or adapted in any way without the author's express permission.


Tags: , , ,
Current Mood: silly silly

7 hisses or Hiss in my ear....
ardwynna_m From: ardwynna_m Date: May 21st, 2010 01:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Go Zack! Ah, those SOLDIER boys, they never do anything by halves. XD
askaram27 From: askaram27 Date: May 21st, 2010 01:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Damn, you beat me to the first comment by a minute! :P
askaram27 From: askaram27 Date: May 21st, 2010 01:28 am (UTC) (Link)
I remember reading this! A long time ago. Wasn't there carrying of chocobos down the highway?

Though I like all the new additions too... "You cheated! You used a steak knife instead of the butter knife!"
rchan From: rchan Date: May 21st, 2010 01:54 am (UTC) (Link)
OK -- I haven't read the fic yet, I just needed to squee about your inspiration. I have loved the Irish Rovers since I was a very little girl and "Wasn't That a Party?" is one of my favorite of their songs! So, right off the bat, this fic must be made of awesome! :D

Will now go read. ^_~
jlsigman From: jlsigman Date: May 21st, 2010 12:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
cejotting From: cejotting Date: May 22nd, 2010 07:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
I haven't read it before, so it was a pleasant surprise to me )) thank you, especially for the phrase No, there was no indulgent fondness in his voice. And no, he didn't -mean- to rumple Zack's hair after covering the younger man with a blanket.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: June 2nd, 2010 06:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
That particular line was inspired by a cutscene in "Crisis Core", featuring a nice, patient, and positively indulgent Sephiroth talking to Zack.

Edited at 2010-06-02 06:22 pm (UTC)
7 hisses or Hiss in my ear....