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COI - Ficlet: SOLDIERs Just Wanna Have Fun (crack) - Convolutions of an Evil Mind
madamhydra
madamhydra
COI - Ficlet: SOLDIERs Just Wanna Have Fun (crack)
Here's a silly little song-ficlet inspired by a hilarious song by The Irish Rovers, called "Wasn't That a Party?". ^_^

Title: SOLDIERs Just Wanna Have Fun
Author: MadamHydra
Beta: none, very rough draft
Fandom: FF7 AU (COIverse)
Type: ficlet
Pairing/Characters: Sephiroth, Zack, misc Turks
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: ~1700
Warnings: mild crack
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII and all related prequels and sequels belong to Square-Enix.

Summary: Sephiroth has to cope with the aftermath of Zack's promotion party....

Cross-posted to soldiersmut and zackfans and ffvii_yaoi


A/N: You can download a copy of The Irish Rovers' song here: Wasn't That a Party?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin.
Could have been three or four six-packs,
I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in,
My head is like a football, I think I'm gonna die,
Tell me, me oh me oh my,
Wasn't that a party?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dressed not in his customary leathers, but rather his usual sleeping wear of black shorts and tanktop, Sephiroth stood in the entrance area of the SOLDIER barracks and surveyed the sorry sight before him. Normally, he was not one for stress-related tics and twitches, but on this occasion, he couldn't help tapping a bare foot on the polished floor in a slow, ominous rhythm.

Before him stood twelve of Shinra's finest First Class SOLDIERs.... well, 'stood' was an overly generous term. It was more like they remained upright on their feet only by leaning on each other at rather precarious angles. At any second, Sephiroth fully anticipated watching the entire group come crashing to the ground in a heap because one of them leaned just a -little- bit too far in the wrong direction.

Normally, SOLDIERs did not get drunk on mere alcohol, given their enhanced metabolism. Getting inebriated took not only serious work, but considerable ingenuity in the selection of intoxicant. That being said, it was clear that the First Classes in front of him had tackled this difficult task with the same efficiency and determination that they applied to their more professional duties.

In other words, they were completely and utterly drunk out of their minds.

What the HELL had these men been drinking to get them into this state? It couldn't possibly be legal. Sephiroth made a mental note to himself to check out the possibility of illegal distillation stills at headquarters.

He raked long sleep-mussed silvery hair away from his face, then glared at the very newest First Class standing... no, -leaning- front and center of the group.

"Zack...," he growled dangerously.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone took a grapefruit and wore it like a hat,
I saw someone under my kitchen table, talking to my old tom cat,
They were talking about hockey and the cat was talkin' back,
Along about then everything went black,
But wasn't that a party?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Yes, Seph?" Zack grinned innocently at him. That was hardly unusual, but the slow side-to-side weeble was definitely atypical.

"Would one of you like to explain what happened in the chocobo stables?" Sephiroth said with exaggerated patience. "How about you, Captain Fitz? Seeing as how you have chocobo feathers in your hair."

The tall, red-haired Fitz blinked owlishly, then said, "I was getting odds, Sir."

"Odds?"

Fitz hiccuped almost daintily before saying in an earnest voice, "Yes, Sir. Betting odds. On the blitzball game between the Icicle Bandersnatches and the Corel Cokatolis."

"I see. You were asking Commander Escovar's prize breeding chocobo for blitzball odds."

"Yup. Gave me some nice ones," Fitz replied happily.

"And why did you let it out its stall?"

"Because it asked me to," Fitz said, looking a bit surprised that the great General Sephiroth hadn't figured that obvious answer out for himself. "He wanted to visit this sweet green chick over in the next stableblock...." Fitz began to make appreciative curvy gestures with his hands.

Sephiroth hastily held up a hand.

"Enough. I've got the picture."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sure it's just my memory playin' tricks on me,
But I think I saw my buddy cuttin' down my neighbour's tree,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He then turned to a short, stocky SOLDIER with dark buzzcut hair.

"And you, Lieutenant Dalmas. Would you care to explain why you hopped over an estate wall, snuck into the garden, and cut down Mrs. Palmer's prize ginkgo tree with a dinner knife?"

"Uhhhh... it was a dare." Dalmas rolled his eyes in Zack's direction. "Did it in one hit, too."

"Did not!" Someone in the back of the group called out.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"You cheated! You used a steak knife instead of the butter knife!"

"Quiet! Captain Matthias," Sephiroth said, addressing the protester in the back of the swaying drunken huddle of SOLDIERs. "I'll deal with you later."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin.
Could have been three or four six-packs,
I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in,
My head is like a football, I think I'm gonna die,
Tell me, me oh me oh my,
Wasn't that a party?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Sephiroth was perfectly aware of the reason for the drinking party, namely Zack's promotion to First Class. But he should've known better than to expect that they would settle for a few nice, leisurely rounds of drinks at one of the bars that SOLDIERs tended to frequent. Definitely should've known better especially with Zack involved....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Billy Joe and Tommy, well they went a little far,
They were sitting in my backyard blowing on the siren in somebody's police car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Sephiroth massaged the bridge of his nose with his right hand, took another deep breath, and counted to ten before speaking.

"And in your haste to leave the Palmer estate, you 'borrowed' a police car and went on a little joyride with lights flashing and sirens blaring."

"The cops weren't using it," Matthias said in plaintive tones, "They were too busy sucking down coffee and donuts." He stopped, slowly tilted to the left, then slid bonelessly onto the floor, out cold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So you see, your honour,
It was all in fun,
That little bitty track meet down on main street,
Was just to see if the cops could run,
Well, they run us in to see you,
In an alcoholic haze,
I can sure use those thirty days to recover from the party.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Sephiroth glared at the SOLDIERs who were still conscious... barely.

"Not content with that escapade, you then proceeded to relieve two Turks of their motorcycles, and had an impromptu drag race with said motorcycles and police car down the highway at speeds exceeding 120 mph. At 2 AM in the morning. Am I correct?"

All he got from the First Classes were sheepish, but thoroughly unrepentant grins.

Yes, totally bombed out of their skulls. And Zack.... Clearly there was no point talking to them any further, even though he hadn't even begun to scratch the surface of their transgressions, including such brilliant events like the rooftop hopping race, the water balloon barrage, multiple counts of grand theft chocobo, freehand paintball sniping, to name a few.

He sighed, then glanced over at the five Turks standing just inside the door. Two of them looked rather annoyed, while Tseng was trying his best to look stern and impassive. However, he wasn't quite successful at hiding his amusement.

"I'll take the appropriate disciplinary action as soon as they're sober enough to appreciate it. Will that be satisfactory, Tseng?"

Both Sephiroth and Tseng knew that the situation could've turned out much, much worse, considering the number of armed, materia-toting First Class SOLDIERs involved. Fortunately, all the members of Zack's drinking party were very mellow drunks and hadn't raised any fuss when the understandably irate Turks had caught up with them and 'escorted' them back to the SOLDIER barracks to face their commanding officer who had been rudely roused out of a sound and much needed sleep.

"Since there was no real harm done," Tseng glanced at the annoyed pair of Turks, "That will be adequate. I'll forward the damage reports to you."

"You do that."

Tseng nodded and led the Turks out of the SOLDIER barracks.

At this point, three more of the SOLDIERs had passed out and were snoring loudly on the floor, while the rest of the First Classes looked like they were about to join their buddies at any second.

Sephiroth considered just leaving them to sleep their binge off on the hard cold floor, then changed his mind. He grabbed Zack by the arm and hustled him down the hallway toward Sephiroth's own quarters. Along the way, he ordered the SOLDIERs on night duty to cart their incapacitated colleagues back to their respective rooms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin.
Could have been three or four six-packs,
I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in,
My head is like a football, I think I'm gonna die,
Tell me, me oh me oh my,
Wasn't that a party?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Once back in his own quarters, he hauled Zack into the bedroom and shoved his SiC back onto the bed. As the other man lay dazed and sprawled out on the sheets, Sephiroth efficiently removed Zack's boots and stripped him down to his underwear.

"Hmmmm....?" Zack mumbled in vague curiosity.

"Shut up and go to sleep, you idiot." No, there was no indulgent fondness in his voice. And no, he didn't -mean- to rumple Zack's hair. Seriously.

Zack obeyed his commander, rolling over and burying his face in Sephiroth's pillows with a deep inhaled breath, followed by a contented growl.

Sephiroth gazed down ruefully at his softly snoring SiC now taking up a good two-thirds of his bed, then climbed into the other side. He spent the next few minutes thinking of some suitably diabolical punishment for this little drunken outing. But even as Sephiroth drifted off to sleep himself, he felt a very gentle tug on his hair, then a comfortable and familiar warmth snuggling against his back.

Tags: , , , ,
Current Mood: silly silly
Current Music: The Irish Rovers - "Wasn't That a Party?"

58 hisses or Hiss in my ear....
Comments
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(Deleted comment)
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
::pets snuggly Drunk!Zack::

The only question if he lets Seph get out of bed without a wrestling match. ^_-
crack_fairy From: crack_fairy Date: March 22nd, 2007 09:42 am (UTC) (Link)
*rotfl*

*gags on a grain of rice going down the wrong way*

remind me why i'm not supposed to eat my dinner and read.

oh my goodness, that was absolutely brilliant... it's so very... 'zack' to up and get his friends drunk. wish i could have been there to see it!

and the last bit was all 'awwww... how sweet!! seph acting like a mother hen'. and then the corrupted bit of my brain started whispering 'are you sure seph didn't try anything funny with zack while he was drunk and out cold??'

^__________^ *stuffs forked tail out of sight and pretends to be innocent*
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yes, it's very very Zack. He does have his charmingly immature moments AND he manages to get his buddies to go along wholeheartedly with his mischief.

and the last bit was all 'awwww... how sweet!! seph acting like a mother hen'.

You know that Sephiroth would adamantly deny doing any such thing. ^_-

and then the corrupted bit of my brain started whispering 'are you sure seph didn't try anything funny with zack while he was drunk and out cold??'

Who knows? ::nervously eyeing hibernating porn-plotbunny::
ffmasamune77 From: ffmasamune77 Date: March 22nd, 2007 10:10 am (UTC) (Link)
I fell out of my chair again cluthing my sorry little lungs. Zack is going to kill us ALL with his actions, I swear he will. He can just burn Palmers lard stash and we'd all die from lack of oxygen.

I wasnt surprised that Zack was the pack leader of this little party haha, song was hilarious. It was his themesong for the night. Yey cut palmers tree AND FAST AND THE FURIOUS, WOOOT! Aww no bets? Haha.

The ending was just too cute for some apparent reason, cuddle while sleeping dern it. I bet in the morning Seph is gonna flip Zack over the mattress cause he drooled in his hair and slept on him while taking most of the bed.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
The ending was just too cute for some apparent reason, cuddle while sleeping dern it. I bet in the morning Seph is gonna flip Zack over the mattress cause he drooled in his hair and slept on him while taking most of the bed.

Yeah. Sephiroth will probably surreptiously cast a few Cures while Zack is still half-asleep because he can't stand how Zack is quietly whimpering like a whipped puppy from his hangover. And once Zack is feeling better, THEN Sephiroth will dump him out of the bed. ^_-
romyra From: romyra Date: March 22nd, 2007 12:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
rooftop hopping race, the water balloon barrage, multiple counts of grand theft chocobo, freehand paintball sniping, to name a few

ROTFLMAO....
this I loved but seriously best line ever....
multiple counts of grand theft chocobo

*laughed my ass off*
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
multiple counts of grand theft chocobo

That line hit me in the shower -- naturally -- and I jumped out (still wet) so I could scribble it down before I forgot about it. ::sheepish grin::
soloyuymaxwell From: soloyuymaxwell Date: March 22nd, 2007 12:47 pm (UTC) (Link)

Zack as a drag-racing drunkard, woo~! XD

I was laughing my @$$ off at the whole chocobo thing. You should have had them racing the chocobos, too.. XD I can see Zack holding up a makeshift trophy of empty alcoholic containers and feathers in one hand, and a helmet in the other!

That was too cute. =^^= SephyZackness! *Squee*

Still need sex... T~T
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
I was laughing my @$$ off at the whole chocobo thing. You should have had them racing the chocobos, too.. XD I can see Zack holding up a makeshift trophy of empty alcoholic containers and feathers in one hand, and a helmet in the other!

Well, it could've happened. After all, there are those multiple counts of grand theft chocobo....

Still need sex... T~T

Wah! My porn-plotbunnies are still hibernating! ;_;
fontech From: fontech Date: March 22nd, 2007 01:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Utter WIN, xDDD What a wild ride. It certainly got me giggling! Oh Zack, always getting yourself into trouble.

Seems like the muse is in full-blown FFVII mode! Must be nice, ^^
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh Zack, always getting yourself into trouble.

Just like a rambunctious wolf puppy, isn't he?

Seems like the muse is in full-blown FFVII mode! Must be nice, ^^

Nice? My COI-plotbunnies have been hounding me mercilessly! At home, at work, in the shower, in my dreams.... they've been snoozing for the last year or more, and now I can't get them to at least show some consideration for the demands of Real Life(tm).
salmastryon From: salmastryon Date: March 22nd, 2007 03:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
*snickers*

I had to quickly stuff my hands over my mouth to stifle my giggles form this. Don't want to wake the sick person in the house. What a great way to start the morning.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying COI-Zack's antics!
kittychan1986 From: kittychan1986 Date: March 22nd, 2007 03:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh my god! Too funny! Who are the Turk's whose bikes they jacked? And what exactly does freehanded Paintball SNiping entail?! *Still giggling* Wow, what on earth were they drinking to get that smashed! That needs to be made into a video and sold all over Midgar! *Giggles* SOLDIERS Gone Wild!

ANd the last part was just....awwww.....So, how far has their relationship progressed by this point? Obviously this isn't the first time they've been in bed togehter, and Seph obviously trusts him enough to let him sleep it off in his apartment. Hummmmm?
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh my god! Too funny! Who are the Turk's whose bikes they jacked?

One of them was a Turk newbie. The other was Elena's older sister, luckily for the newbie, because she knows how to deal with situations involving SOLDIERs. She know that a mere pair of Turks can't possibly handle a First Class SOLDIER on their own, much less 12 of them, no matter how drunk they are.

In COI, the Turks have a general policy of: (1) avoiding close quarter combat with SOLDIERs whenever possible; (2) not confronting SOLDIERs one-on-one. COI-Turks might be enhanced, but not -that- much. If you're wondering why the Turks don't have a problem with fighting Cloud, when he's got Mako eyes, I checked the script and he never apparently tells them that he's First Class. A pair of highly trained, experienced Turks can take down a Third Class, and at that time, Cloud wasn't fighting up to anywhere near his full potential.

And what exactly does freehanded Paintball SNiping entail?! *Still giggling*

Sniping targets with hand-thrown paintballs. SOLDIERs don't -need- paintball guns to achieve seriously high velocities. Sephiroth's probably just as dangerous with a hand-thrown bullet as with a gun. ^_-

Wow, what on earth were they drinking to get that smashed! That needs to be made into a video and sold all over Midgar! *Giggles* SOLDIERS Gone Wild!

That particular intoxicant is a secret. ^_- I might write a ficlet where Sephiroth has a chance to imbibe. ::snerk::

ANd the last part was just....awwww.....So, how far has their relationship progressed by this point? Obviously this isn't the first time they've been in bed togehter, and Seph obviously trusts him enough to let him sleep it off in his apartment. Hummmmm?

Yes, this is some time into their relationship, so the trust is clearly there on both sides. ::pets drunk!Zack::
mirien From: mirien Date: March 22nd, 2007 06:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh damn I about choked over this. First laughing my ass off, then awwwwing over the end. Fantastic story!
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying the COI-version of Zack! ^_^
forgottenlover From: forgottenlover Date: March 22nd, 2007 06:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
... ::snickers:: I can see Zack doing that. Verra verra easilly.

I can't help but find Seph's sleepware cute for some reason.

annnd I have a typo I found in there:
However, he wasn't quite successful at hiding at his amusement.

You have a spare word in there.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
... ::snickers:: I can see Zack doing that. Verra verra easilly.

I know. As soon as I heard the song, I could SO picture Zack in full-out mischievious frat party-boy mode.

I can't help but find Seph's sleepware cute for some reason.

Heh! I have this fondness of seeing Seph in clothes other than his game garb. I'm planning on changing his outfit somewhat for COI, courtesy of Zack!Cloud -- namely, giving the poor guy a shirt and a shorter jacket. ^_^

annnd I have a typo I found in there:

Thanks! Fixed!
drkangelyahriel From: drkangelyahriel Date: March 22nd, 2007 07:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
wow. they sound like a FUN lot to party with. Shame what they were drinking would probably kill an ordinary human.

Much "aww" and <3 at the end! @_@
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 23rd, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yes, Zack and this particular set of drinking buddies would be a terrific fun to hang around with... if you could keep up with them.

A normal person would probably suffer acute alcohol poisoning and/or other forms of toxicity from just a teeny amount of the particular intoxicants they were happily chugging down. O_o

Sephiroth's thoughts aren't particularly sweet and cuddly (still in DENIAL!!!) but his actions say something very different. ^_-
__perplexity__ From: __perplexity__ Date: March 22nd, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh I don't really wanna pick anything out, that whole piece has just evoked SO MANY new and fantastically genius nuggests of greatness in my now FF7-reimbibed mind.
And I SWEAR "imbibed" is a real word, but it just doesn't look right.

*tugs ears down to neck* so it's time for me to come out of hiding and stop denying the whole ZackxSeph thing, right?
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 23rd, 2007 08:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
*tugs ears down to neck* so it's time for me to come out of hiding and stop denying the whole ZackxSeph thing, right?

::stern inquisitorial look:: What!? You mean to say that you were in fact denying ZackxSeph, you heretic? Recant and repent at once!

^_-
artimusdin From: artimusdin Date: March 22nd, 2007 10:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
*dies and is dead* This. IS so awesome. And I'm sure Tseng will be having words with his Turks, over them letting those drunk Soldiers get those bikes from them. *snickers*
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 23rd, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
And I'm sure Tseng will be having words with his Turks, over them letting those drunk Soldiers get those bikes from them. *snickers*

Oh, Tseng will have something to say about the night's events, but it's not what you expect. He knows that COI-Turks, even if enhanced, are no match for one SOLDIER First Class, much less two or more, even if they are drunk. Given the obvious disparity in capabilities, the Turks have certain protocols when dealing with SOLDIERs, especially the Firsts. ::pointing to Turk-plotbunny::
icedark_elf From: icedark_elf Date: March 22nd, 2007 11:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Aw.

*glees at another hair-tugging Zack* And he's snuggly! So cute.

No, brain, Seph should not molest drunkZack. Well...no, bad brain.

So many drunken antics. I can see Seph quizzing Zack the next day on just what happened. And then, afterwards, deciding he really didn't want to know after all.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 23rd, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
Being so familiar with Zack's personality, Sephiroth knows that Zack will happily confess all and somehow make even the craziest thing seem perfectly reasonable under the circumstances.

However, Sephiroth will get his revenge by thinking suitable punishments for the guys. For example, having to scrub off the paint from the paintballs, mucking out chocobo stables, relandscaping the Palmers' gardens, etc.

Zack's taught Seph a little too well on the theory of "getting even". :D
brat4always From: brat4always Date: March 23rd, 2007 12:26 am (UTC) (Link)
dude awsome story!!! "multiple counts of grand theft chocobo"..i loved that!! hehehe and the ending was real good too XD
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 23rd, 2007 08:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! Zack can be such a silly dork at times. ^_^
58 hisses or Hiss in my ear....
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