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COI - Ficlet: Guard Duty (crack) - Convolutions of an Evil Mind
madamhydra
madamhydra
COI - Ficlet: Guard Duty (crack)
I blame this ficlet entirely on icedark_elf's and laylah's genderswitching fics. It's all their fault. Really!!! ::runs away::

Title: Guard Duty
Author: MadamHydra
Beta: none, very rough draft
Fandom: FF7 AU (COIverse, maybe)
Type: ficlet
Pairing/Characters: Sephiroth, Zack
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: ~1200
Warnings: crack, genderswitching
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII and all related prequels and sequels belong to Square-Enix.

Summary: Total crack. No, total crack in silk and high heels.

Cross-posted to soldiersmut and zackfans and ffvii_yaoi

-----------------

Sephiroth glanced up at the large ornate clock in the entrance hall and wondered what was taking Zack so long. While it was fashionable to be late, Shinra upper management preferred to have their most formidable warrior and pet killer promptly on display for receptions.

He turned and froze, staring blankly as his second-in-command sauntered across the entrance hall toward him.

"Zack....?" Sephiroth was vaguely pleased that he managed to keep the squawk out of his voice. A commanding officer should never squawk.

For the first time he could remember, Zack's normally spiky dark brown hair was actually lying in a neat semi-flat manner. But the anomalous hair was absolutely -nothing- compared to Zack's outfit.....

"What the hell are you doing wearing a dress!?" he hissed sharply.

"Shhhhh. Call me Kary or you'll blow my cover," Zack murmured as he moved in close and started to adjust the collar of his commander's black leather coat.

Sephiroth grabbed Zack by the arm and hustled him away from the entrance to the reception hall. Once they moved into the dubious shelter of a nearby pillar, he released Zack's arm and stepped back, letting his gaze to slowly travel down Zack's body, then just as slowly back up again.

Zack smiled smugly and said, "Like what you see?" as he turned a graceful pirouette.

Sephiroth was certainly no expert with respect to feminine clothing, but even with his limited experience from official functions, Zack was dressed to stunningly tasteful perfection. The full-sleeved evening gown consisted of shimmering green and violet silk that fitted snugly over Zack's torso and hips, then fell to a complex swirl of iridencent folds. Small sprays of sequins and beads helped to accentuate the curving lines of gown and body. Zack's accessories, jewelry, and makeup were also similarly tasteful and perfectly coordinated.

But what grabbed Sephiroth's attention was the evidence that the body encased in that gown was indisputably -female-.

Thoughts of impostors, sinister schemes, and bizarre practical jokes danced through his head. Although certain senses were easy to fool, other senses were much harder to deceive. Sephiroth leaned in close and -sniffed-. Once. Twice.

Well, this person certainly smelled like....

"... Zack?"

"Satisfied that it's me?" Zack said, lips curving into that familiar grin. The voice was a rich, definitely feminine contralto, but the tone and words was Zack, through and through.

"What the hell are you doing? And how did you...?" He gestured vaguely in the direction of Zack's breasts. "Are they...?"

"Are they real? Yup. Wanna check them out for yourself?" Zack leaned forward, a provocative grin on his... her?... face.

"Zack...," he said, his voice rising ominously.

"Okay, okay. As for how, materia, of course. You'd be amazed at the odd types they've got lurking around the research labs. And as for why, I'm here to watch your back, just like any good second-in-command should do."

"What?" he said, totally baffled.

"Well, you've been whining...."

"I do not whine!" he snapped.

"....whining about how this pack of predatory young women have been relentlessly stalking you at these parties recently. And at the last reception, didn't three of them manage to corner you in a side-room and tried to give you a private striptease show and lap dance? You ended up jumping out a tenth story window to get away from them."

"And you think that showing up with a female companion will deter them?" he said dubiously.

"Why not give it a try? It can't hurt," Zack said, the very picture of reason.

"Unless someone finds out what you're doing!" he hissed back.

"Don't worry. The genderswitch materia works like a charm."

"And how would you know?" he demanded in exasperation.

"Apparently the scientists have been doing quite a lot of private research with the rare materia they've got squirreled away in the lab," Zack said with a sly wink. "The materia's effects are pretty specific -- it changes the target's sex, but things like height, weight, and physical abilities remain pretty much the same."

Sephiroth eyed his SiC, now a tall statuesque brunette... Well, actually, a rather strikingly attractive statuesque brunette. He frowned suddenly.

"You've gotten taller."

"It's the shoes." Zack said with a chuckle, kicking up a foot to show off the violet high heels. "I can't really take credit for the ensemble, though. I had lots of help."

"Don't tell me that you managed to drag one of your girlfriends into this mess!"

"Hey, she volunteered with -way- too much enthusiasm, okay? Especially when she found out that I was actually going to -be- a woman...."

Zack slipped his... her?... hand through his arm and started to pull him back toward the reception area.

"Trust me, Seph. I know what I'm doing," Zack said in a calm voice that was devoid of teasing.

Faced with that steady violet gaze, he realized that despite the ridiculousness and obvious pitfalls of the current situation, he did indeed trust Zack. So he sighed and gave in with as much grace as he could.

"Fine. Let's go," he muttered, tucking Zack's arm more firmly against his.

He was promptly rewarded with a brilliant Zack-smile.

Glancing down at the feminine, yet reassuring strong hand resting on his black leather-clad arm, he was unexpectedly pleased to note that Zack's fingernails, while long and painted, didn't look anything like Scarlet's gaudy raptor talons, thank god.

"How did you get your nails to grow out in only a few hours?" he asked with genuine curiosity.

"Apparently there's a materia for everything. It's amazing what you can find in the beauty sections of upper Plate department stores, Seph."

"But your eyes..."

"Contacts. Neat, huh? Good thing, too. Can't have mako eyes giving away the show."

Despite Zack's confidence, he couldn't help tensing as they made their way toward the reception's entrance and were met by a wall of stares. But he soon began to relax as he realized that the other attendees were not staring out of suspicion, but out of admiration. They obviously saw only what Zack intended them to see -- the famous General Sephiroth in black leather and his undeniably gorgeous female companion.

Scarlet going to have an absolute fit and he was going to enjoy every moment of it.

"Forget about you watching my back. I think I'm going to end up protecting yours from all the women who'll want to kill you on sight," he said softly as he escorted Zack past Heidegger's glaring wife.

Zack chuckled, a low ripple of laughter that drew even more admiring looks.

"Uh-uh. We watch each other's back, Seph. Haven't you learned that by now?"

"I suppose I'm a slow learner."

"Good thing that I'm a stubborn teacher."

"By the way, why violet and green?" he murmured in Zack's ear as they approached the doorway.

"Aerith insisted. She claimed that it would bring out the colors of our eyes."

Some time later, in a brief pause between the mandatory social chit-chat, Zack caught him staring at him... her.

"What's wrong, Seph?"

"I was just thinking that you look awfully comfortable in those high heels."

"I'm a SOLDIER, First Class. I can function effectively in the presence of considerable discomfort and I can balance on damn well anything," Zack retorted with a smug look, then held out her hand.

"Wanna dance, boss? They're playing a tango."

There was a unmistakable glint of challenge in Zack's violet eyes. And Sephiroth was never one to back down from a challenge.

"Why not?" he murmured, borrowing one of Zack's favorite replies.

Hand in hand, they walked out to take the dance floor.

Tags: , , , , ,
Current Mood: devious evil
Current Music: No Doubt - "Just a Girl"

45 hisses or Hiss in my ear....
Comments
ffmasamune77 From: ffmasamune77 Date: March 14th, 2007 02:34 am (UTC) (Link)
Wow...You can be so evil sometimes ahahaha but hey it makes everything better! Once I thought of having Sephiroth, Zack, and Cloud as the Y.R.P. Seph would be Paine, Cloud Rikku and Zack Yuna, but antanywayz. I freakin laughed my lungs out at Zack. Dont we all love him? There needs to be a picture of him or something. haha

I dont know why, but I can seriously imagine Seph jumping out a window from girls who are trying to give him a free show haha. Im surprised he didnt throw a punchbowl or something at first. Ah comic relief.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
There needs to be a picture of him or something.

Alas, for the sake of humanity, I do not even attempt fanarty things. But I would really love to see fem!Zack in an evening gown, too!

I dont know why, but I can seriously imagine Seph jumping out a window from girls who are trying to give him a free show haha. Im surprised he didnt throw a punchbowl or something at first. Ah comic relief.

He probably didn't want to waste any time beating a strategic retreat. Heh!
icedark_elf From: icedark_elf Date: March 14th, 2007 02:39 am (UTC) (Link)
*giggles*

That's awesome. Sephiroth, you have one hell of a second, there.

I deny everything.

Though now I want to play with it more. *eyes the girlSeph and girlCloud in her head* PimpDaddyZack.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's awesome. Sephiroth, you have one hell of a second, there.

Yes, Seph values his Zack. ::pets Fem!Wolf!Zack::

I deny everything.

Take responsibility for your crimes! ::brandishing scary Hojo-plushie::
kittychan1986 From: kittychan1986 Date: March 14th, 2007 02:44 am (UTC) (Link)
Awsomely funny! I love this. And it's so a Zack thing to do....He has such a quirky sense of humor! Now, the fun part after that is when Seph takes him home and tests that new...femaleness....
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yes, Zack's got a rather cracked sense of humor, doesn't he. But he means well.

Now, the fun part after that is when Seph takes him home and tests that new...femaleness....

Actually, I'm thinking about giving fem!Zack a workout, except not with Sephiroth. ::runs away::
kittychan1986 From: kittychan1986 Date: March 14th, 2007 09:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ack! No, come back here and explain yourself! Who on earth would you have do something liek that that isn't the might Genral! You can't leave like that without explaining that!
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 15th, 2007 05:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
I was contemplating a make-out session with Rufus, then realized that Rufus would be a trifle on the young side (about 13-15 years old).

Oh frickin' god! If Rufus lost his virginity to Fem!Zack, of all people!

And you know what? I can see COI-Sephiroth being totally amused and not at all jealous about HIS Zack making off with such a prize! :D
From: overdosemind Date: March 14th, 2007 02:47 am (UTC) (Link)
OMG So much love for this!
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! It's a wild but fun ride! ^_^
artimusdin From: artimusdin Date: March 14th, 2007 04:21 am (UTC) (Link)
... okay, this? This is pure, unadulterated awesome. I, for one, heartily endorse more of this being written. *glee*
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm tempted to write more. Damn, this genderswitching stuff is addictive. O_o

God, I have this mental picture of 15 year old Rufus being fascinated by fem!Zack, and Tseng lurking in the background rolling his eyes because he knows....
artimusdin From: artimusdin Date: March 14th, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
Heee. I have to agree. I've been know to do it to Sephiroth myself. Poor guy. *snickers* And then there's poor Cloud, who hardly needs the materia to look feminine.
shiny_glor_chan From: shiny_glor_chan Date: March 14th, 2007 05:02 am (UTC) (Link)
*giggles* Yay, genderbending! Not like genderbeding isn't canon anyway... Well, maybe not to that extent but who cares! Hehe, angry Scarlet makes me happy.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh yes, Scarlet of the notoriously poor fashion taste gets totally shown up by fem!Zack. Picture Sephiroth and Zack dazzling everyone on the dance floor while Scarlet fumes helplessly as she drags her most recent executive boytoy around.
crack_fairy From: crack_fairy Date: March 14th, 2007 07:55 am (UTC) (Link)
oh

my

GAWD.

*dies laughing*

you rule. XD

and i hope and pray that zack-the-girl's materia holds out till the end of the party. it'd be hilarious if s/he transformed back to zack-the-guy in the middle of the tango. *rotfl*
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
and i hope and pray that zack-the-girl's materia holds out till the end of the party. it'd be hilarious if s/he transformed back to zack-the-guy in the middle of the tango. *rotfl*

Although that would be hilarious, that won't happen. Zack's too protective of Sephiroth to embarrass him like that in front of the Shinra management. ^_-
forgottenlover From: forgottenlover Date: March 14th, 2007 07:56 am (UTC) (Link)
The genderbending must spread, for it is the root of all awesome!! ::deadpan::
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
::giggle:: Glad you're enjoying the wild ride! ^_^
forgottenlover From: forgottenlover Date: March 14th, 2007 08:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
What can I say? All the men in dresses makes me happy.

And genderbending makes me even happier *_* I'm still puzzled how I skipped my biggest fandom with this trend actually, though I have FF7 covered ::grins and gives you more weird materia::
bard_linn From: bard_linn Date: March 14th, 2007 10:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Looks like the genderswapping bunny is going around. XD *beats own bunnies*

Love the interaction between them, but my favorite line has to be this:

"Hey, she volunteered with -way- too much enthusiasm, okay? Especially when she found out that I was actually going to -be- a woman...."

AERIS ALL OVER. XDXDXDXD
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ah, Aerith with her cross-dressing fetish. Dressing up fem!Zack was probably a dream come true for her. :D
kemis From: kemis Date: March 14th, 2007 11:02 am (UTC) (Link)
*dies* This is made of win, there so is not enough good genderbending stuff in the world. And Zack rocks.<3

*runs after you* Write moooore!~
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 14th, 2007 08:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ack! Stop encouraging my fem!Zack bunnies! ::scampers away::

kemis From: kemis Date: March 14th, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
But they're screaming 'feeeed meee'! I hear them! There is no escaping the genderbend bunnies. *is a victim too* I'm not above bribery if the occasion calls for it. I can even offer scientific theories for genderbending/weird additions/tentacles/animal parts! *follows*
__perplexity__ From: __perplexity__ Date: March 14th, 2007 10:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
Cracktastic, only in the most beautiful of ways ^-^

And genius phrasing for the win, because NOW ... I want a "brilliant Zack-smile". God damn.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 15th, 2007 05:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
I want a "brilliant Zack-smile". God damn.

Don't we all. If we could bottle and sell it, there's an absolute fortune to be made. :D
__perplexity__ From: __perplexity__ Date: June 26th, 2010 12:14 am (UTC) (Link)
I just wanna swing by and point out how some things never change. I came back to randomly re-read some bits and bobs before sleeping, and as I was reading this again I got to the mention of the Zack-smile and totally internally squee'd ... started reading through comments and saw that one of mine from THREE YEARS AGO O.O

The need to praise your phrasing transcends time, you know XD
ardwynna_m From: ardwynna_m Date: March 15th, 2007 03:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Of course Zack would be working those brand new titties of his! XD
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 15th, 2007 05:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
Naturally! Fem!Zack doing a striptease for his General...

::keels over from catastrophic nosebleed::
From: (Anonymous) Date: March 15th, 2007 05:19 pm (UTC) (Link)

Evil

You are evil! EEEEEEEEE-VIL! And now you've gotten Aerith involved with your evil!

You are so freaking awesome.
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 15th, 2007 05:36 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Evil

Evil keeps me young. ^_-

And I didn't have to do anything to Aerith -- she threatened to whack me with her staff if I didn't let her dress Fem!Zack properly. -_-;;;
From: (Anonymous) Date: March 15th, 2007 06:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Evil

As I said. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-VIL!
baroness_lamia From: baroness_lamia Date: March 18th, 2007 12:54 am (UTC) (Link)
This is the best gender-bending fic I've seen in a long while! Although I imagine Zack in a more blue or purple dress, or pink for kicks! XD

Well done!
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: March 18th, 2007 11:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! And pink? No way! :shudder:: Dark rose, maybe. Ask Aerith about it.
redcrest From: redcrest Date: March 31st, 2007 07:03 am (UTC) (Link)
OH my god, I cannot stop giggling! I'm always a bit hesitant with these gender-switching stories, but I thought, "hey, it's Madam Hydra-- what the heck!" and tried it-- and man, am I glad! ^____^ That was so much fun-- the wacky situation brought out such an unexpectedly good-humored side of Sephiroth that was just adorable~~~ =^__^= And of course, Zack handled his successful playacting without falling into the common gender-switch pitfall of coming off as a closeted drag queen or something like that (for which I am very thankful!). Great job-- you managed to make Zack cooler than ever with this! (I love that it was practically "just business" to him... though I do appreciate that Aerith was having fun with it... now I see why she was so eager to dress Cloud up, ne? ^^).

Lastly... Seph jumping out of a 10-story window just to escape from a pack of fangirls... *___* LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: April 1st, 2007 02:46 am (UTC) (Link)
And of course, Zack handled his successful playacting without falling into the common gender-switch pitfall of coming off as a closeted drag queen or something like that (for which I am very thankful!).

Well, although fangirls seem like such a trival problem, it probably stresses Sephiroth more than dealing with assassins, and Zack knows it. And since he's doing this for Seph's sake, not for his own fun, Zack's going to do it properly, by god!
askaram27 From: askaram27 Date: April 2nd, 2007 12:57 am (UTC) (Link)
I have a friend who crossdresses and he reaaaaally overacts the lady. Drives me up the effing wall.

Hooray for Zack not overplaying the part. And being comfortable in high heels.

And I LOVE how Aerith participated with way too much enthusiasm... Is she a secret yaoi fangirl?
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: April 2nd, 2007 09:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, this bit of cross-dressing is really business, not for fun, so Zack's handling it like a pro. That's not to say that if he did cross-dress as a prank, he wouldn't be a bit more flamboyant. ^_-
askaram27 From: askaram27 Date: April 3rd, 2007 01:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, but it's been my experience that men who are pretending to be women, even seriously, still overdo it because they don't know how to act like a woman.

But I think Zack's hit it on the head. He's not "being a woman", he's being himself. Right?
keji_eternal From: keji_eternal Date: April 4th, 2007 05:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
hehe, we should get someone to draw this womanish Zack Mwahahaha. I could just picture it, and Sephiroth's reaction toward that was just too funny. I wish I could hug them both!!

Hm... I wonder if Seph wouldn't try that materia one day... er... right, next snippet!
kuro_fenikkusu From: kuro_fenikkusu Date: August 9th, 2007 01:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Pardon me whil i twitch. He's not wearing stilettos, is he? I've been wearing heels since third grade, and i still refuse to put on a pair of stilettos.

Fem!Zack is luv!!!!
madamhydra From: madamhydra Date: September 20th, 2007 11:30 am (UTC) (Link)
No, he's wearing high heels (similar to the sort professional dancers wear), but not stilettos. He's brave, but not stupid. ^_^
kuro_fenikkusu From: kuro_fenikkusu Date: September 20th, 2007 09:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
Coulda fooled me. But he didn't become a First class through stupidity, did he now?
searisme From: searisme Date: January 3rd, 2008 11:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was awesome. I think I might be addicted to FFVII genderswitch.
The ending is just perfect.
45 hisses or Hiss in my ear....